Shame and the power of connection

Discussions around shame are certainly having a moment right now. There are articles, books, entire podcasts even dedicated to the subject. The focus is often on the benefits to you, if you talk about your shame. How talking about it can relieve you of the negative impact of carrying the shame around. This is no bad thing in my view.

But for me, it is more than that. It is actually about the opportunity for connection that comes from opening up; the opportunity to be there for someone else in a really powerful way.

When you open about your experiences, you are reaching out a hand to that person and saying ‘I’ve been there’, ‘I know what that feels like’, ‘I’ve made that mistake too’. It’s not easy; you may not be used to it and it may make you feel uncomfortable, vulnerable even. But you do it anyway, so that another human being can feel less alone. That’s important. That means something.

The problem is that the language here has such negative connotations in our society. Shame, vulnerability, mistakes – they are not things people really want to get up close and personal with. These days, these words are still associated with weakness. All too often, we are more concerned with projecting an image of ‘we’re strong’, ‘we’re in control’, ‘we’ve got our lives sorted’. As such, we shy away from talking openly and the chance of making that connection is lost.

But here’s the thing. I think it takes real strength to face up to shame and to open yourself up to vulnerability by sharing your mistakes. Putting yourself out there like that is a brave move but if you can make that connection with someone when they need it most, surely that’s worth the effort?

We all make mistakes (see my previous article). We all experience shame or guilt about something. But unless we talk honestly, we will not only continue to be weighed down by these experiences, we will leave people feeling isolated and alone in their darkest of moments. And nothing good ever came of that.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I am and continue to be a product of my mistakes. It takes a lot to admit that kind of thing and it takes character to keep on moving forward.