Financial Coercion: It doesn’t look how you think it does

It’s easier than you think to fall victim of financial coercion. It sounds like something that you would see coming. But it isn’t. The changes can be so subtle, so well disguised as rational, practical even, that they simply go unchallenged or even completely unnoticed.

You’re copied into emails to do with your financial arrangements. Then you’re told, “it’s okay, I can deal with these and update you later”. You’ve met the people at the firm that look after your finances. You feel confident that your financial affairs are being looked after. You are therefore happy to delegate the day to day to your partner and let them take the lead on ongoing correspondence. You have joint bank accounts. You only check what you need to check. You live a busier life especially when kids come along and you’re balancing their needs with your career and maybe the needs of your parents and parents-in-law. It makes sense for your partner to manage the money, doesn’t it?

But then one day you realise you have no control over your monies. You’re unsure where the money is held; how much there really is and whether you have the full picture. You are unsure where all your accounts and investments are; how much money is in each and what your family income really is. Maybe you no longer have access to your own accounts that you fully manage. Your partner knows your and your family’s every financial move, but you have little knowledge of theirs.

This kind of situation happens more often than you might think. It is often under the guise of “this is how it has always been” or maybe it is the hangover from traditional split between men running the finances, women running the household and children. Whatever the ‘reason’ for this kind of set up, it can cause significant problems for the person who is left in the dark. It can put you at significant risk of financial coercion.

Perhaps the person that you love is “double dipping”, transferring funds from your accounts into one of their own. Perhaps the person you love, the co-parent of your children, the person you have shared all your dreams and fears with is subtly manipulating you. Phrases such as “I will take care of that, while you spend time on another task, or looking after the children” or “remember that I told you that before” or “ I emailed this to you” or “I am taking care of it” are all potential warning signs.

Maybe you’re too pre-occupied to think about the finances. You might find money chat boring. You might prefer to bury your head in the sand or may just have forgotten to question the state of the family finances. Your partner might have demonstrated that they have better or superior financial knowledge than you so the “divide and conquer” rule comes into play. There are so many seemingly legitimate reasons for a potential imbalance.

And I have seen where this imbalance can lead. Partners syphoning off money on a little and often basis into another account that they have set up and not told their other halves about. This money was then used to fund addictions or a double life. I’ve also seen people swindle other family members without anyone knowing.

I have found this has left those who have suffered from financial coercion feeling lost, shattered in confidence, angry and utterly embarrassed. There is also the assumption that the person who has suffered is female. Women do this to men too (read the Housemaid’s Secret).

The first step, which is the bravest step, is to ask for help. Seek professional help through.The Financial Support Line, Step Change and National Debtline. These are just a few of a number of organisations that you can contact. They can help you obtain a clearer picture of your financial situation. They will help you work on your budget. What monies you need to receive to meet your essential expenditure needs. You might need to open a new bank account with a different bank to provide you with some independence. You might need to hire a new financial adviser. You need to be careful how you do this though as you may not want to aggravate your partner.

The key thing is to ask the question, rather than assume.